Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I cut my penus on the lid.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
