1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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