seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
