STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
