This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Did I show you my penis last night?
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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