I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Randomize
