Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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