if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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