Plan B is the new Plan A
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
