I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
