my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Randomize