You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
