I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
