So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
