Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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