I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
