you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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