well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
