I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Randomize
