yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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