***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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