I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
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