It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
i think i just lost a toe
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
