I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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