You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
