Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
