My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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