when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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