I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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