i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
did i just pee glitter
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
