Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Randomize
