The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
