I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
