He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize