hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize