I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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