it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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