Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
