how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize