i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
