this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
