I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Success! We fucked roommates!
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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