I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
