Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
How many fucks given?
0.12846
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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