my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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