he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
