do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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