Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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