i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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