apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
