i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
