The maid of honor just puked.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I intend to get homeless drunk
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
