can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Randomize
