Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
