My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
