Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
