If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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