turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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