i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
