Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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