His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
