Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize