Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
