Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
