College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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