What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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