im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
So much Jack, so little girl.
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