my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Randomize
