So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
