sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize