this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
