He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
