Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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